Housemate

Well. I asked for it. I live a lonely life in the world of ministry. My colleagues are all single, divorced, or in distant oddly functional relationships. I’d toyed with the idea of a housemate for many months now, but it materialized when a friend was looking for a place to stay. “Sure!” I said, thinking that this would be great! Another person to relate too on a regular basis. Yet now it has been several moons and disfunction is setting in. I have trouble understanding the career choice, lack of employment, search for dream, seemingly anorexic/control of diet, and need for human contact. As an introvert I receive more than my share of contact during my day and evenings among my flock. What little intimacy I have left I want to share with my beloved (a distance relationship), over the phone or in one of our weekend visits. Somehow it needs to be addressed. Maybe a pow wow? A sit down? a heart to heart? here is why friends should never become housemates…it can ruin friendships. I’m hoping that it does not ruin this one and think an intervention, on my behalf, and my abode dweller are needed. Yes, we both need help. I’m a modestly depressed, workaholic, introverted, live it cheap minister guy. My housemate is an aspiring artist, following a dream (to what end?), diet nut who is probably dealing with more emotional and physical stress than I can imagine. Together we make a household of silence with occasional snippets. Terse.

I do blame myself some. I hoped, knowing full well this would be crazy. Giving up a room, my independence (of sorts), for a housemate. No rent, no romance. Theological and philosophical stimulation, I thought. And what else? Aw yes, the past attraction in times of hardship (many years ago). I continue to pull away afraid of something, yet know full well that I am committed away and desire not a deeping here, no longer a physical attraction. But friendship. That…that I could accomodate. I just need to know how.

Relationships, intimate and otherwise take work and need work. I’m headed that direction. I just hope all my energy hasn’t been tapped and that healing can occur. If I could just step backward and forward at the same time I might be golden. Then again, doors and windows open and close for the right reasons…brutal as they sometimes are. I guess it’s time to dive into prayer life and conversation. Faith keeping is hard sometimes, especially with other people.

Apathy

It’s been awhile since I’ve rambled on these pages. I made it through another Christmas, a pageant and candle light service, and into the new year. Somehow, I cannot help but shake a feelig of apathy. I love the youth, the children, and the relationships, but as the days grow longer again so does the sinking feeling about programs. I’m just not a program guy. If I could gie it all up and just meet with people I think I’d be about a thousand times happier. or maybe I could do arts and crafts ad games, but get to be spontaneous. The church is the antispontaneus. Seriously. Every where I turn there is something else that needs to be done well in advance, planned out for parents and adults that could do it for themselves but choose not to. I want to empower, to release to freedom, but I’m bloody exhausted and want to rest. Maybe it’s in the land of la la, or a day of library. maybe it’s a scotch and a run. Or maybe it’s the desire to get them to change. Some day it will work. Someday I’ll have moved on and they will have too. Hopefully both of us to the benefit of one another. So my title: apathy. I don’t want it, but I feel it. And with it I feel a lurking guilt…yes, tomorrow I’ll get up and get in the saddle again, rewrite the emails, make the calls, clean the classrooms, and start the cycle all over again.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me,
I once was lost, but now am found,
was blind but now I see…

Amen.

Grrrr.

So this is a venting session on the inept and egotistical nature of graduate study. Here I am the quasi-happy suburban minister interested in graduate study. Yes, the curiosity bug has bitten. I have been very intrigued by a program at a school in our nations capital because they state that they are a Ph.D in religious pluralism. A unique, to say the least, opportnity of study. Yet here is the catch. They are a young program and, barely self-admitted, lack faculty in judaism. It is, for the most part, a program on christian/islam relations. And that, my dear non-existent readers, is why I am frustrated. I am intrigued by the continual failure of jewish and christian communities to engage in dialogue between themselves, dialogue that then allows an understanding of islam. See, the good old usa has long been in bed with Israel and has adopted the problems that come with the support of such. Yet the christians and jews have not honestly talked about their differences. No, instead they wrap their hands around a common target related to fiscal or political goals. The westernization of christianity and judaism has been adopted without question, leaving academia to skip over it. Right now the money is in arabic and islam. That is where the jobs are. That is where religious growth is existing. But how, oh how, do we even begin a pluralist dialogue when the imperial team of jewry and christians are on the sideline already holding hands? That puts islam as the other team. and if I recall correctly, all three are abrahamic traditions. hmmm. the academy has again screwed up. Why can’t they stop following the money and engaging in theoretical masturbation? seriously. If I had a penny for every time….

Think About It

It’s interesting that a car company has decided to advertise by appealing to our sense of lost commitment. Morality, deprivation, need, and now the notion that we can’t keep commitment but a car company can. Or, does it push towards maintaining those commitments that we have made? Is it a car commercial or an appeal to change society? The change to green business and ‘commitment’ changes the notion of advertisement. No longer is it about human greed but about moral decision making. True, it does feed into a commercial mindset of buying, buying, buying, but it does so in a different manner. It’ll be interesting to se if this is a consistent change in advertisement or a fluke. Even more so, although I don’t want to pry, it would be curious to see who is behind the advertisements and if it is a certain company or group of companies.

Ethics in this new age: Halo 3 and the church

Well here we have it, the fall of church as we know it. No longer do youth groups gather to play relationship building and touchy-feely games. Instead they have resorted to attracting youth by hosting a violent video game. An article in the New York Times is what brought this to my attention. Yet, this has been happening for years. We have church haunted houses, skate parks, trips to play laser tag, and water fights. The secular world is connected to the never ceasing desire to attract young people to the church and violence (mock or real) has almost always been a part of it. True, many of us long for the spiritual return of the Ungame, yet desire the energy of flash-bang video action. A tenuous balance, if any. So what do we do with this? Maybe we should have sex night at church where we watch scantily clad bodies grinding in passionate lust. Or how about drug night, where the ice cream gutter becomes the line of huffing? I pray that we never do that and pray that those using Halo to attract young people realize the dangerous slope they tread upon. “It’s just fun blowing people up” does not belong in out Christian tradition. The conservative community churches (the ones using Halo in some cases) should recognize this. After all, they’re the ones passionately articulating that christianity is not about violence and, instead, point the finger at fundamentalist Islam. How long until our youth see violence, “god” inspired military might, as righteous in the eyes of the Lord? I should hope that history can continue to teach us, and that the golden calf, the way to draw youth to the church, finds it’s way into the woodshed for a little lesson. We’ve been on the mountain too long, hungry too long, and this looks to good. But sin almost always looks good and is easy. There’s a reason the numbers are growing, but I’m afraid it’s not the love of God and community that are drawing them to the church. If friendships come of it I pray they can transcend the basis of their foundation: the destruction of humanity and creation in an alternate reality.

As a side bar, I must comment about Second Life and alternate realities online. I cannot recall where the article was, but the question of online infidelity has been raised. If ‘he’ spends his time living with another women, running finances with her, sleeping with her, and sharing motions with her, even if it just ‘imaginary’ online, is it infidelity? The ethics of technology have just reached a new height, a dangerous one. Where we go from here is going to be an amazingly scary, depressing at times, and enlightening journey. After all, many of the most powerful old testament stories are founded in ethical errors.

What a long strange trip….

I haven’t written in months and must not miss it. It isn’t routine, this posting thing. I’ll try to ge back into again for the sake of my own sanity, but life has been traveling a mile a minute. Do not believe, for one moment, that summer slows down for ministers. Maybe for those that have tens of years under their belts and not a worry regarding to the program of the church, but for those of us that are members of the junior clergy club our lives get more and more ridiculous at every turn. I travelled across the country with you, planned programs and wrote curriculum. Publicized, had meetings and even managed to squeeze in a week of real vacation. And then fall arrives with the kick off of all events, the beginning of new programs, and the all important implementation of the senior ministers dreams. Yes, there is only the time that I make for my own hopes and programs. There in the front row is the x of pulling off what the senior pastor’s heart desires, no that there will be any help on their end. No, it is a matter of priorities related to ministry and to job security. Personally, it drives me nuts. ‘d rather do what is needed to the best of my ability. Having not even been a year in my position I am still befuddled at how much must be new. Throughout seminary we were told not to create change within the first year. Ha! Laughable. There has been more change than I can count and to top it off, I have no clue what it looked like a year ago. Yes some things are visible, but as a whole it’s confounding. Anyway, that’s my saturday rant. I want try to get back into this as therapy and theological/social discourse. Only the future will tell if I keep it up.

Winding down equals up

As the academic year comes to an end and the students that so dutifully have gathered on Sundays to study, grumble, fall in love, and meet their parents expectations are soon headed to various different camps, programs and vacations. It seems that evey moment of their space is fully programmed these days. Yet that’s not my cheif complaint today. No, although they have no time, or squeeze in every little thing they can, it is my own life that i am wondering about today.

Ministry it seems is mostly a seasonal entity regarding programming and liturgy. It revolves around the days when the most people decide to come to church. Now, as simple as this is, the challenge becomes preparartion. I’d say that 90% of my time is spent in planning, scheming and getting ready for things that take a tenth of the time it takes to prepare. It feels a little weird. My day isd mostly spent in the office typing, sending emails, making phone calls, reading materials and curriculum, and tying things together so that they go off without a hitch. There’s something fundamentally wrong with this. Maybe it’s scriptural. Am I building the golden calf that, as Aaron tried to explain, was once a real image of God? Or maybe it’s Mary and Martha all over again? Either way, i’m putting a program and its planning before the relationships that sustain it. That, my dear friends, is hypocrisy. This isn’t how I had planned on celebrating the half life of my ministry. No, I thought I’d feel pretty good abot everything that I’d done thus far.

Instead, I have discerned that I entered into a system and it pushed me into the backwards mentality and program. I truly believe I came in as one who could focus onthe relationships, but as i look back, I see that I didn’t hold my head up long enough. I dove into the water, hoping that by swimming I could win the race. fool that I was, there was a boat next door if I’d only looked.

So what now? I’m still in the office programming the life out of ministry. I’ll try for converstations, walking the streets, entering into the world rather than hiding from it through the mask of programs. i’ll push myself back into my awkwardly comfortable discomfort. There are so many opportunities for this community. So many ways to not get caught up in the programs. So many moments to empower others and live with each other in the event, programmed or not. Somehow I’ll find the oomph to change tracks and stay on top of everything. It’s too much really, but maybe there if I find more there will actually be less.

Reminders

It turns out that I’m fumbling. See, I’m in a position where my job description is broad and the responsibilities are pointed. Possible? Maybe, but under the surface I think my mind has decided to fight its own battle, the argument being whether or not ministry is identified by skill sets, gifts, or spiritual direction. I am struggling spiritually.

I realized this the other day when I was reminded by an educator that if I have the skills I need not have the gifts. Now, to understand this, you must realize that from the moment a person feels called to ministry they are in a conversation about gifts, not skills. Ministry is emotive and not based on the outcomes of skills. Or is it? As I have wandered, amiably, these last months of my career choice I have bustled too and fro to accomplish and meet the needs of program after program. I have utilized skills. Were they gifts?Maybe some of them, but as a whole they are sklls that I have aquired and tried to put to good use. So where then, does spirituality fit into the picture?

For all intents and purposes I am a spiritual leader. I admit it. But where, amid the chaos of orchestration, does the spirituality get embraced and nurtured? Between the programs, the spirit food of justice work, and the needs of the office I sometimes feel as though I am flattened into a two dimensional stencil. I crave the creativity and vibrance that drove me into ministry, the freedoms and challenges, the needs of the congregants, the feeling of energy behind the glory of God. And today, sitting on my front stoop, staring at the green trees and beauty of spring, I realized that I had lost it. I had misplaced the spiritual center. My ministry has become about outcomes and goals, about doing things right all the time, about growing and building, and ithas done so at the cost of my own spiritual wellness.

So the question is, how do I return. I can run this race to the end. No problem. But I want to run it and feel like I want to get going on it every morning. I want to feel that my job is my ministry and that myself, selfishly maybe, is at the core of that. So tonight I’m going to try to refocus. I will commit to being outdoors and where creativity nurtures my spirit. I will set aside the frustrations of career and dwell in calling. That is where I began. I can’t believe it was so easy to slip away, to enter into the church as a political institution of business. For now, I need to hold onto the green grass and dream again of God.

Sunday

Sabbath day it is not. With worship, Sunday school, adult education classes, confirmation class and youth programs the day is a wind swept plain of spiritual insanity. Seriously, it’s a day of exhaustion and energy that can only be provided by the Spirit. So how, my dear friends, do we do this over and over again? The grace of God, coffee, the smiles of young children, the rare ‘thank you’ and the belief that we can make a difference. Yes, the things that we often dismiss before entering ministry, based on humility and modesty, are the things that sustain us now. Oh were we wiser.

The things that we can see the results of are few and far between. The things that eat up our daily time are even hard for us to understand. Did I really spend 15 hours preparing to teach those classes? And yet, when we least expect it the day is zapped by the unwitting power of the computer, the creature that I type this lonely note on. See, I can reach out through the web and research, communicate, ponder, plan and even arrange. In those minutes, hours, and mountains of time my work is propelled rapidly and slumped into sluggish turpitude. The beauty of information becomes the overload. Was it better before? Was a lesson more meaningful when it didn’t have the hours of screen time? Did the pastor have more or less human interaction? Questions that I, alas, will never know the answers too. My world is tied to the crutch and platform of technology. If only I could see more results with this box of ideas. Then. Yes then, I might actually want to continue in its presence.

Sunday. A beer in hand. A foot on the table. I wait, willingly, wantingly, for the next one. For in those hours there is life, there is vision, and the hours of waiting and lingering are brought into the exultant conclusions of worship and community. This is, after all, why I wanted to be a minister. I just have to keep reminding myself of that…

Chocolate Jesus

In the news this week we’ve heard about the chocolate Jesus. Personally, it’s about time that an artist made a commentary on the Easter sugar-laced addiction of our society. Yes, offensive to some, I think the Catholic church should embrace such an act. Afterall, it returns the focus to our Lord. It haunts back to Andres Serrano’s “Piss Christ” except with a classier overtone that should ring true to the transubstantiation of Catholic theology. Brilliant I say.