It turns out that I’m fumbling. See, I’m in a position where my job description is broad and the responsibilities are pointed. Possible? Maybe, but under the surface I think my mind has decided to fight its own battle, the argument being whether or not ministry is identified by skill sets, gifts, or spiritual direction. I am struggling spiritually.
I realized this the other day when I was reminded by an educator that if I have the skills I need not have the gifts. Now, to understand this, you must realize that from the moment a person feels called to ministry they are in a conversation about gifts, not skills. Ministry is emotive and not based on the outcomes of skills. Or is it? As I have wandered, amiably, these last months of my career choice I have bustled too and fro to accomplish and meet the needs of program after program. I have utilized skills. Were they gifts?Maybe some of them, but as a whole they are sklls that I have aquired and tried to put to good use. So where then, does spirituality fit into the picture?
For all intents and purposes I am a spiritual leader. I admit it. But where, amid the chaos of orchestration, does the spirituality get embraced and nurtured? Between the programs, the spirit food of justice work, and the needs of the office I sometimes feel as though I am flattened into a two dimensional stencil. I crave the creativity and vibrance that drove me into ministry, the freedoms and challenges, the needs of the congregants, the feeling of energy behind the glory of God. And today, sitting on my front stoop, staring at the green trees and beauty of spring, I realized that I had lost it. I had misplaced the spiritual center. My ministry has become about outcomes and goals, about doing things right all the time, about growing and building, and ithas done so at the cost of my own spiritual wellness.
So the question is, how do I return. I can run this race to the end. No problem. But I want to run it and feel like I want to get going on it every morning. I want to feel that my job is my ministry and that myself, selfishly maybe, is at the core of that. So tonight I’m going to try to refocus. I will commit to being outdoors and where creativity nurtures my spirit. I will set aside the frustrations of career and dwell in calling. That is where I began. I can’t believe it was so easy to slip away, to enter into the church as a political institution of business. For now, I need to hold onto the green grass and dream again of God.
